Couples fight, and it’s not unusual, or a death sentence for the relationship, when they do. But knowing is half the battle, and recognizing certain behaviors – or being aware of common triggers – can help alleviate the trauma when they inevitably occur. Here are some of the common reasons most couples fight:
Power and Control
Some people must fight to gain the “upper hand” in a relationship. They have to be right all of the time, even if they’re wrong — and in their minds, admitting a mistake means admitting failure. Critical words always make these people’s defenses go up, even if they’re made in jest, or out of concern. Power-hungry partners don’t realize, however, that relationships don’t have “winners” and “losers” –and that kind of mentality conflicts with the mutuality and intimacy needed most in a partnership.
Old Fears and Broken Hearts
Many couples fight because one or both partners haven’t healed a broken heart from a past relationship (or crush), and/or are still holding on to old related fears and insecurities. People with fears of abandonment, or fears of not being good/attractive/wealthy enough often make up stories in their head about what their partners think about them, or worse: what they might be doing in secret. These people may find it difficult to trust the other person and may have not yet learned how to live in the present. Others just don’t know any better: they grew up with parents and relatives that constantly fought, and come to expect fighting in a relationship, whether or not it’s justified.
Different Spending Habits/Views on Money
Some grow up thinking that if a partner doesn’t spend lavish amounts of money on them, then they aren’t really in love. Others are more practical with expenses, believing that money should only be spent on necessary items (such as groceries, car payments, etc.) and think that by contributing financially to the basic elements of survival in the relationship, they are showing that they care. Couples fight over whether they should take on separate bank accounts, and what the joint account (if there is one) should be used for (usually big payments, but who decides what’s appropriate?). Should the person who makes the most money be responsible for these main expenses, or be allowed to spend more money?
Stress
Plain old stress is a contributor to tumultuous relationship problems, as well. If one or both partners is in school, for example, or has a high-stress job (lawyer, doctor) then fighting may be inevitable, especially if someone feels “second” to a career or academic goal. Being stressed also has basic, negative physiological factors associated with it: people are less willing to be patient, less giving and thoughtful, and more likely to blow up at the slightest irritation.
How You Spend Time
If your relationship isn’t a priority to you, your partner will immediately sense it. Couples frequently argue over how much time they spend together (once every couple of days? once a week? everyday?) and what to do when they’re together. A more independent sort might resent everyday check-in, but his/her partner will feel left behind or undervalued without this kind of interaction. Also, time spent independently may come under scrutiny if one partner feels that the other spends too much time playing video games/drinking/watching TV, for example.
Family Relations
This is probably one of the most difficult situations a couple can be in: a parent or close sibling doesn’t approve of the relationship. When this occurs, a partner might feel pressure to “choose” between loyalty to family and loyalty his/her significant other. Usually someone has to offer some kind of compromise (i.e., seeing the family less often, moving), but this kind of dilemma can signal the end of a relationship if family members are heavily involved in the lives of one or both partners.
Sex/Intimacy
Sex is an important consideration, whether or not you and your partner are engaging in it — and therefore should be discussed fairly early in the relationship. If you choose to engage, preferences should be discussed, as well as how often, where, etc. Couples also quarrel over who initiates and when (it’s probably best to mix it up, anyway), so make sure to communicate your wishes and desires to your partner as often (and as soon) as possible.