As parents, how do you deal with sibling rivalry? Your children are bound to fight and quarrel, love as well as hate each other. So what do you do? How do you ensure that this bond is nurtured by love and not hate, by friendship and not rivalry? Here are a few tips that will help you:
1. Space out your first and second born: The reason for this is that your first born needs to have at least the ability to understand what it means to have a sibling and the accompanying changes. But this will only be possible when the child is three or more than three years old. A younger child will simply not have the capability to either understand or reason with you. The only thing this older child will understand is his or her frustration and anger with the arrival of this new intruder in the family.
2. Talk to your first-born: Explain gently what the arrival of a new born will mean, to your older child. Make him/her feel responsible and mature by discussing the responsibilities your first-born will have and also convey to him the importance of his role with the other sibling.
3. Avoid giving preferences to one child: Remember that all your children are individuals in themselves and will have different skill sets. You will cause unnecessary damage if you begin to prefer one to another. Children are very sensitive to preferential treatment and you will only be pushing your children toward sibling rivalry.
4. Spend equal time with all your children: Kids will always crave for your time and attention, not material things like toys. Do not deprive your children of this precious commodity. Boys often miss quality time with their fathers so make sure that you take some out especially for them and do man-to-man things.
5. Check your attitude: Parents have been taught that they must be impartial but this can be extremely difficult. It’s inevitable that parents will feel differently about children who have different personalities with differing needs, dispositions and place in the family. Picture the age-old conflict of the young child whining. “It’s not fair. Why can’t I stay up until 9.30 pm like my older brother?” Fairness has nothing to do with it. The younger child needs more sleep. It’s as simple as that, and parents are advised never to give in to the old “it’s not fair” strategy. Besides, when the younger child is finally allowed to stay up until late, it will seem like a real privilege.
6. Intervene, not interfere: Children are not always able to settle their problems. As parents, you have to judge when it is time to step in and mediate, especially if things are getting out of control.
7. Make rules for your children and follow them: When your children do get into disagreements and tend to fight, you have to check their behaviour by providing both negative and positive reinforcement. While dealing with small children time out is a very effective technique. You can also make your child write down sentences such as: “I promise to play nicely with my brother.” Positive reinforcement may include reading out a story to them, making their favourite snacks or letting them watch an extra hour of TV.
Finally mull on these time-tested pointers:
- Be certain that each of your children are getting some time alone with you.
- Don’t pressure your children to play together, go places together, be affectionate together, etc. Allow them the opportunity to find their own activities and interests away from their sibling.
- Never take sides.
- Reward your children equally.
- Make children realise that they are all equally responsible for each other, so incase one misbehaves they will all get punished. This work wonders when you have to go out and either take your children along or leave then home with a baby sitter.
- Releasing anger is important because a certain amount of aggression in every child must be allowed to come out.
- Separate. If two children are constantly abrasive, try to adjust their schedules in such a way as to keep them out of each other’s way.
As a parent it is your responsibility to teach your children to learn how to share, how to deal with jealousy, and how to accept their individual strengths and weaknesses.
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