Being in the dating field is hard enough, but dating a person with children makes things even more difficult. It would be so much different than dating someone who has less baggage. Adjustments and changes will have to be made not to mention issues that you, the single man/woman, will have to face. To help you truly understand if you are ready to be in a serious relationship with a person who has children, I have prepared a few things that you may want to consider in dating someone with children.
The Children Come First
I think the first thing to consider, and probably one of the most difficult things to accept, when you are dating someone with children is that the children come first. You cannot be the priority in anything. The children are there to stay and they will take up your mate’s time, energy, patience and love. In the same way, you have to accept that there are things that you can’t do with someone who has children that you can do with someone who has less attachments. You will always have to plan your life around the kids. Your partner will be at his/her kid’s beck and call and there will come a point that you will feel jealous of the kids and even feel neglected because of the kids. If you want to make the relationship work, you have to get over the fact that you cannot be number one and you have to share him or her with the children.
You Will Not Understand Everything
In dating someone with children you also have to recognize that there will be some things that you cannot understand but still have to accept. There will be some things that he or she does for the kids that may make absolutely no sense to you. You have to accept that having children changes a person and it changes how they view life and responsibilities. You will always have that difference. Your mate might find talking about his/her children interesting but you may not be as interested. Your perspectives in life may be different because of the added experience that he/she has and you don’t.
There Will Always Be Someone Else
You need to understand that there will always be someone else that is forever part of your mate’s life: and that is the kid’s other parent. Your mate will have to talk and meet with his/her ex often. They will always have something in common that you don’t. You may find yourself even jealous of his/her ex, but you have to understand that she/he is there to stay. You have to find a way to deal and go around your jealousy.
Dating someone that has children will pose many challenges in your relationship oftentimes involving adjustment and understanding from your part. But making a relationship work with someone who has kids is not impossible. You just have to accept certain things and be patient in working with your relationship.
So I could use some advice. I dated a guy for 7 and a half years. He was an angry and controlling, verbally abusive man, who ignored responsibilites when it came to his child. So each time we seen her, every other weekend and more, per the joint parenting agreement. I was the mom. He sat on his butt doing nothing and instead of leaving her to be by herself, as he was too into his violent video games, I would take her with me. When she was younger I changed all the diapers, did all the housework, all the cooking, while working two jobs and attending college fulltime without any support for him. He would throw a fit if I asked him to help so I learned it was easier to say nothing. I never bad mouthed him to his daughter, tried being respectful while she was there, and avoided arguements at all costs even when he wanted to have one really bad. So, he treated me like crap and I decided that it was over. We split for about a month, he let me see his daughter once during that time. Once we got back together again, I discovered he hadn’t changed, still had the same issues, disrespectful, believes a woman is an object to control, and irresponsible and controlling, possessive, he’s a work of art to say the least. So things were rocky for a few months and I finally asked him to move out of my apartment. He wanted to continue to date and I agreed to only if we saught counseling from a psychologist. After one session, he was upset to say the least. He would not accept anything he had done wrong nor accept that fact that he holds me to higher expectations, wants me to be a mom, while he has no responsibility and has a care free life. Things were going okay, despite the counseling trip, until he decided that his daughter was not to see me. I tried dating him for several weeks but couldn’t do it anymore, his angry outbursts, his verbal and threatening physical abuse was enough. I figured it wasn’t worth it if I couldn’t see her.
So tell me, I can’t find a support system anywhere for this. I miss his daughter so much and its been since last June that I’ve seen her. We split up in August of 2008. I dream of her and miss her so much.
I started a new relationship with a new man, a very loving and giving man. Delima that scares me is he has children. And he can’t understand how I could miss my ex’s daughter- he thinks I miss my ex- which I don’t. Anyhow, no one understands my hurt inside. And I think I have a fear to develop connections with his children, a fear that the same thing will happen again. Is this normal? I don’t know what to do. I’m confused and still trying to overcome missing a little girl that i raised and provided for and loved and nurtured. My family kind of understands in some ways but not in others.
By the way my ex lets my family see her but not me. He sent me an email the other day, first communication since August, letting me know that his daughter isn’t happy with me, that he doesn’t want to talk to me, that if she did want to see me or speak to me that he’d let me know but for me not to hold my breath and then rubbed it in my face that they are closer than ever. (which i find hard to believe when he’s scared her so bad many times with his angry outbursts) I think he’s just trying to make me feel miserable and i have no chance in hell at ever seeing her. Oh and he warned me not to contact her mother or else, a clear threat. And no i haven’t spoke to her since before we broke up.
Please help or send me in the right direction. I know this is truly a huge mess. And no i have no children of my own and yes I have plenty of experience being a fulltime mom.
Comment by Deana — March 21, 2009 @ 10:50 am